Review By Dystrophy Dad

 

We attended Glasglow at Glasgow’s Botanic Gardens last night. For the unenlightened, the event is the latest from the deals and events company Itison, who marketed it as Stranger Things meets Game of Thrones in a Glasgow park. With their annual Christmas drive-in movie being as much of a family tradition as matching Christmas PJs, we knew to expect a good time. We parked across the street, arriving early and avoiding the queue. Metal temporary barriers bordered the outer wall of the botanic gardens, with enough room for a wheelchair and a standing person.

First, we entered the Upside Down of what was once the Kibble Palace, home to all manner of strange and exotic plants, including a room that holds a collection of carnivorous plants. As a side note, Itison, please consider having a showing of Little Shop of Horrors! Unfortunately, though understandably, this room was closed.

The path led past an illuminated pond and uplit statues to a twilight jungle realm. In the background, I could hear the steady beating of tribal drums, accompanied by music that was at once wondrous and foreboding, with the occasional dragon’s roar breaking up the jungle beat. Within the dense jungle, surprises were scattered. From dragon eggs to a towering totem and luminous Moai heads with varying contorted expressions, it felt as though we were in a world adjacent to Jumanji. Being inside a greenhouse, the path was well maintained and easy to manoeuvre in a manual wheelchair. The pathways could easily accommodate two wheelchairs side by side, though single file was the suggested approach by the helpful staff.

 

 

 

 

Another hill, more difficult than the last, took us to a large moon. I needed brakes, and my wife needed breaks, to get me up it. I would have liked the moon to have been set a little further back as I felt I was teetering at the top of the hill. Had this been the case, I would have been less worried. Due to the size of the moon, selfies were little more than silhouettes, but the effect was nice.

 

 

I rode down a hill, then up another steep incline where we encountered a talking tree with a list of dad jokes to rival my own. A particular favourite was the telling of the abundance of pigeons trying to stage a “coo”.

Our journey took a sinister turn as bright spiders moved around the grounds, leaving glowing webs to capture the inattentive. These wicked bioluminescent creatures leapt to different positions, hissing as they did so. Narrowly escaping the arachnids and their wicked webs, we took an easy (st)roll to the haunted wood, hearing in the distance a young girl singing “Ring a ring of roses.” The spirit was pushing a swing, upon which sat the toys she once enjoyed in life. If you thought this was creepy, just you wait.

 

 

Down through the illuminated arches, we encountered a dolls’ house glowing eerily before running into this:

 

It didn’t have a name, so let’s call it Whit (dad jokes are a disease, as yet incurable). I posed for a picture, expecting Whit to jump at me, tickle me, or just be generally terrifying, but either my wheelchair or my bravery in posing for a photo deterred him. As we continued on our way, I heard a scream, and I was glad it wasn’t mine.

We went down a slope (wheeeeeeeee) to toast marshmallows. The marshmallows were large cubes of fluffiness—comfort after our terrifying trek. The wee one complained of having a defective marshmallow that didn’t want to toast, totally the marshmallow’s fault.

We wandered on, downhill past the graveyard, where dad jokes go to die. There were many punderful engravings, with Jim Jiminee, the ill-fated chimney sweep, getting a laugh from me.

There was another steep hill, which I attempted myself, and failed, that took us to the other side of the sea of light. We sat for a bit and took some photos before making our way to the exit—parking so close paid off! I felt the exit was a bit unceremonious with only a member of staff standing at the gate and a small sign thanking us for attending. I can’t help but feel there was a final step missing. I would have liked to have seen another person in the same clown costume, perhaps creepily reassuring us that they would see us again, or a final selfie stop, but this didn’t dampen the experience.

We spent a good two hours wandering this wicked wonderland and will gladly return. Itison, as usual, hosted a phenomenal event which we will return to if it takes place in the future. This could easily be another of our Itison traditions.